You Left Me For Dead
by VanillaLatte
Summary: KotOR. An abstract study of revenge. CarthRevan.


They call it a vendetta. I call it justice.

_And I say I won't stop, not 'til hell is your home  
There's nowhere to hide  
You'll feel the cold of my gun at you're head  
You left me for dead_

I'm so close to finding you that I can taste you. You're vivid… the most lifelike memory I've ever had. Deeper than the birth of my son. Deeper than making love to my wife… or to you. You're embedded eternally, embossed on the back of my eyelids, your tongue against my teeth… your hand at my throat and your knife at my gut.

The Jedi don't think I can get close enough to you to kill you. They're all wrong. You'll be too stunned, too surprised to see me alive. Too curious as to why. But then, you'll realize that I was still gurgling, choking on my own blood as you left. You underestimated me, and that will be your weakness. And somewhere in your black heart and sickened mind, you already know that.

_You didn't stop to look round  
You were gone before I hit the ground  
You went on you're way  
And no prayer was said  
You left me for dead _

They call it a suicide mission. And I agree… I just don't care. _  
_

I don't have your precious Force. And that's a good thing, I suppose. I'd be deeper into the dark side than even you, now. Drowning in it. Heh… drowning. Strange how that word takes on new meaning when you almost die… how the once-imagined water that would usually drown you turns to blood. Red and hot in your throat.

And I imagine your blood, spurting from your perfect, putrid white skin. Makes me want to kill you with my vibrosword instead of the blaster. The moment will tell, though. I've imagined it so many different ways… it'll be a surprise, I think, when it finally comes.

It may be a suicide mission, but one of my own making. I should have known long before… I should have known when you blithely answered that computer on Kashyyyk… Should have known that "I just said what I thought it wanted to hear" was bullshit. I should have known when you sliced through my son… you goaded him into lashing out against us. I should have known when you taunted Karath and when you so willingly accepted who you really were.

_And it didn't trouble your mind  
It did not disturb you to see me decline  
You turned out my lights  
You put me to bed  
You left me for dead  
_

But I didn't, and now the whole galaxy pays the price. Is it wrong that I don't give a shit about that? All I want is to see you die by my hand, the galaxy be damned. All I care about is what you did to me. Selfish, huh?

I pass judgment on you, Revan. I deem you guilty of crimes against Carth Onasi. I will see you perish for making me trust you. I will kill you myself for taking your sweet time to make a fool of me. I will murder you for trying to murder me. For making love to me one last time and then leaving me for dead.

I will take you with me. I will see you die for my mistakes just as I will. It will be the last thing I do.

But you think you're safe, don't you? You think you're safe behind your Mandalorian lapdog. You think you're safe behind your dark acolytes and Star Forge drones. You think you're safe behind the Force.

Well, I don't. You are as vulnerable to me now as you were naked in my bed. I am propelled by the same rage you have embraced, and that makes me powerful. You'll see.

And with a simple, scrolling message across the _Hawk's _comm display, I have you.

_I won't rest my head until hell is your home  
You'll think that you're safe but oh no  
You'll feel the cold of my gun hit your head  
Ah you left me for dead _

It's so easy just to walk in. Your fortress seems to bow down before me. I can't help but think that you're responsible. Want to see me, do you? See for yourself the walking dead?

There is a sense of immortality, ironically enough, that comes with knowing you're marching steadily toward death. I am untouchable, wearing my intention as a shield.

I see Ordo raise his carbine, then fall. I think I shot him… my father's blaster is in my hand, the handle warm under my palm as though it's fused to my skin. An extension of my own hand controlled with mere shadows of thought.

_You didn't cover my face  
I didn't merit a communal grave  
You set me aside  
And no tears were shed  
You left me for dead  
_

I can't believe you're right there… right in front of me. You've even removed your cowl so I can see the pained contortions of your face when my sword slices through you. Very considerate, thank you.

You raise your hand toward me, and for a second I wonder why. Then I feel the pinch at my windpipe, my larynx collapsing in on itself. And as my life comes closer and closer to the end, my sense of immortality only intensifies. I'm dying. But I really don't care. Thanks to you, this is all old hat.

I'm only a meter away from you. You should have killed me sooner. It's so easy now, just to raise my blaster and pull the trigger.

I'm sorry, did I surprise you? Where was that lightsaber of yours to protect you? Still clipped to your belt, I see, hidden among the folds of your inordinately gaudy dark robe. The singed, smoldering spot on it where the bolt went through actually makes for some lovely ornamentation, if you ask me.

Air rushes into my lungs, but the blood in my veins suddenly stops cold, thick and useless and you suck the life out of me to heal yourself. Do you even remember that there was a time when you could heal without stealing from another to do it?

My knees want to buckle, but I refuse to let them. Not until I've skewered you. I raise my sword now, in my left hand, and plunge it into your breast, the singed robe a very convenient bulls-eye. And then I hang on.

Drain my life all you want. And I'll twist this sword against your ribs, relishing the muffled scraping and squirting of blood on my face, until I'm dead or you are.

_And you didn't stay close to me didn't stay by my side  
I was choking in blood as delight filled your eyes  
_

"My one regret is that you'll get more than I did," I rasp. You smile and I hate it because it makes me remember something good about you.

"You're better than I am, Carth. Letting me die with someone who loves me. Something I was too cowardly to give you. I'm sorry."

"No you're not," I say. But I think she's actually telling the truth.

_But I don't want to search no more  
There's nowhere to hide  
So why don't you come quietly my love  
I wanted to say, to say that you sure proved the death of me _

Is that remorse I feel as we drop? Some inkling that maybe she still could have been saved?

"No… you're doing the right thing, Carth," she says. Her face is the only thing I can still see clearly. She's done trying to save her own life, now. Succumbing. Allowing me my victory.

"I know," I reply.

_Now I've reached a dead end, and I can't go back  
But if I'm going down you'll come with me..._

Her eyes are glazed over, dead and vacant. I imagine mine look the same.

She was the death of me.

_

* * *

_

I usually can't stand fics that use song lyrics, but when I heard _Left Me for Dead_, by Rob Dougan, for the first time, I was struck by its depth and intensity. After listening to it many, many times, I simply could not get this idea out of my head. So thank you for bearing with me. And I highly recommend somehow getting this song and listening to it… Dougan's composition and singing add a whole, unbelievable dimension to the song.

I didn't write this for feedback... if you've ever read my stuff before, you might have noticed that I dropped off the face of the fandom. RL beckons, unfortunately, and has resulted in a semi-retirement from the fic business. But I hope you enjoy this and I'd love to hear from you if you did. Thanks for reading.

_The lyrics from_ Left Me for Dead, _by Rob Dougan are used in this piece without permission and without any monetary gain or infringement intended._


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